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72 days later

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learn to love, forget to hate, start to live.
sometimes my thoughts and opinions, but mostly that which i find interesting and important along the way.

What does it feel like to be told you can’t marry someone you love and want to marry?

Carrie Underwood recently came out in support of marriage equality, saying:

"As a married person myself, I don’t know what it’s like to be told I can’t marry somebody I love, and want to marry," she said. "I can’t imagine how that must feel. I definitely think we should all have the right to love, and love publicly, the people that we want to love."

And perhaps that’s just it for many people - they don’t know what it feels like. So, to get the word out from those of us who know all to well what it feels like, I’ve created this post. What does it feel like to be told you can’t marry someone you love and want to marry? Please answer and reblog. 

— 1 year ago with 2 notes
#wedding  #marriage  #what it's like  #what it feels like  #love  #relationship  #gay  #lesbian  #glbt  #lgbt  #glbtq  #lgbtq  #queer  #offbeat bride  #engayged  #married  #gay marriage  #gay wedding  #lesbian wedding  #couple  #family  #question  #q&a  #reply  #relblog 
What’s the difference between a gay wedding and a straight wedding?

What’s the difference between a gay wedding and a straight wedding? It’s the question that keeps popping up wherever I go in my quest to plan my wedding, in how-to wedding books, blogs, conversations with friends. Whether implied or explicit, it’s always there. 

Liz Feldman says it well: “It’s very dear to me, the issue of gay marriage. Or, as I like to call it: ‘Marriage.’ You know, because I had lunch this afternoon, not gay lunch. I parked my car; I didn’t gay park it.”

I want to get married. Not gay married. I say “my wedding,” not “my gay wedding,” not because I’m hiding anything, but because, as far as I’m concerned, that’s what it is: a wedding. The end. 

What’s the difference between gay love and straight love? I would say: love is love. Apparently, however, whether love is between one man and one woman or between two men or between two women matters far more to most than it does to me. That’s why we need to label it, and everything associated with it. If love happens between two people who aren’t the same sex/gender (a more complicated element of the discussion for a later date), people have to call it something. I hope we’ll get over it at some point, if not in my lifetime, then at least before this world implodes.

Love is love. Marriage is marriage. My wedding is my wedding. I don’t gay love my fiancée, I just love her. I want to marry her. The need to gay marry her at a gay wedding is not my own, but society’s implication to aid in understanding, differentiation, separation, distance. 

I feel that I want to marry my fiancée for a similar set of reasons as anyone planning on getting married. She’s the love of my life. She makes me laugh. She takes care of me. She challenges me. She makes me a better person. She is supportive of me. She makes me happy. I can’t see my life without her. I can see a wonderful future of adventures and children and accomplishments together. She’s in my dreams for seemingly ever. I want to commit to her for life. I want to marry her. At a wedding.

Label or no, what is the difference between the two, really? Still it persists.

Why does there have to be a difference? It seems I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t when it comes to marriage. Some people have a problem with gays because we don’t fit the “norms,” but people (usually the same ones), don’t want us getting married and stealing said norms either. I’ve heard from some gay people that getting married is just assimilating into a heteronormative and oppressive system. Well, what the hell am I supposed to do? I’ll never make everyone happy. That, however, is not my concern. When it comes to my wedding, my concern is this: that the event makes me and my fiancée happy. 

And there is a whole new set of struggles. Being very different people liking different things, we have different ideas of what a wedding should be. Or, I have a new idea or ten every day, and she simply operates differently. I’ll happily stand in front of hundreds of people in a big puffy dress professing my love to her. That sort of attention is one of her worst nightmares. And so on.

And then there is the planning itself. Planning a wedding is hard for anyone, but harder when you’re not sure if the people you’re reaching out to are okay with the gay. As much as it sucks, it’s true. On my first trip to try on dresses, the form had slots for “bride” and “groom/partner” – a start. Then the lady helping me kept referring to my groom, even though I circled “partner” and wrote “bride” above it just to be extra clear. I did receive a call from them later on asking when I’d like to schedule my next appointment, or one “for my gal;” redemption. And lots of brownie points, especially in this town.

Despite that it would be a good business decision for everyone in the wedding industry to welcome all couples, many don’t, and they don’t exactly advertise that way. Even gay-friendly venues and resources often fail to be obviously gay-friendly so as not to lose homophobic clientele on principle. Not only do we have to find a place and people, we have to find ones that won’t turn our day into an offensive and heartbreaking affair. 

What’s the difference? As I see it, an additional level of stress and complication. Not to say having a gay wedding is harder than a straight wedding by any means; there are plenty of unions that aren’t blessed by friends or family or so on and so forth. I wish there weren’t any difference at all, but that would require social and political change that simply will not happen overnight, or even between now and my wedding, as much as I’d like it to. 

— 1 year ago with 9 notes
#gay wedding  #wedding  #marriage  #lesbian  #gay  #lgbt  #lgbtq  #queer  #glbt  #glbtq  #same-sex marriage  #sex  #gender  #love  #relationship  #engaged 
"Unless gay people aren’t human, there are no such things as gay rights, only human rights which gay people, like all other people, are entitled to."
— 2 years ago with 20 notes
#lgbt  #gay  #lesbian  #glbt  #lgbtq  #glbtq  #queer  #gay rights  #human rights  #social justice  #truth  #liberal  #rights  #freedom  #equality  #quotes  #advice  #words of wisdom 
Homophobes entitled to beliefs, but not actions based upon them

Dear homophobes,

Today I am angry with you. Today I am fed up with you standing between me and marriage, between my wife-to-be and our rights as a couple, our rights to our children as parents-to-be, our rights to our jobs, to health care, to all the rights that you have. We should have them, too; we’re no less human, no less citizens of the United States of America, but we are denied our rights. I fight that fight in some small way each day, but today, you are pissing me off.

Do you know how hard it is to plan a wedding? Do you have any idea how much harder it is to plan said wedding when you have to figure out a location based on where it’s legal? When you have to make sure everyone from the wedding dress shop to the florist to the photographer to the hotel where your guests will stay will be accepting of two brides?

Is that fun for you? Knowing how much harder you make my daily life? Knowing you are helping to ensure that I can be fired for who I love? That I can’t adopt children with my partner? That I can’t have the human rights I deserve because you ridiculously selfish and misinformed people have invaded every level of every system in this country such that I am treated not only as a second-class citizen, but as a second-class human being?

And I’m supposed to be okay with that? Accept that it’s the result of some choice I made, like it’s some consequence I was meant to suffer? Tell me – when did you make the choice to fall in love with the person you’re with? Or are you single and just bitter that I have love at all?

It’s not okay, and I’m not okay with it. However, you are just as deserving of my human rights as I am, even though you clearly do not feel the same about me and the rest of the LGBTQQAI community. Therefore, you are entitled to your beliefs, as am I, but – and that is a giant but – that does not mean you are entitled to run the world based on your beliefs. There are several institutions that have existed thanks to the majority that were eventually found absurd and dissolved but the right minded. Ensuring that gay people’s human and citizenship rights are protected and upheld will ultimately be a part of this country, because it’s right. I know that, and eventually, you’ll learn it. Or leave and start your own bigoted country.

Why are you not entitled to run the world on your beliefs? Well, what if I ran your life based on mine? You think it’s wrong for me to marry a woman. Great, I think you’re a sociopath. Let’s take a closer look at that*, shall we?

Glibness and superficial charm: Absolutely. Like all powerful dictators and oppressors, you are charming. You are believable. You speak with resounding and convincing words and do so effortlessly. Listeners are bound by your expressive language and presentation and can’t help get sucked into it all.  

Manipulative and conning: By all means. Those TV ads using small children to tear at people’s heartstrings because gay people will supposedly corrupt their innocence? Incredible con work. Taking information and skewing it to your liking – classic manipulation. Convincing people that the marriage of anyone else somehow attacks what they have? I think you get the point. You’re master manipulators and con artists.

You do not recognize the rights of others and see your self-serving behaviors as permissible. You may even go so far as to dominate us and others you’re against with humiliation.

Grandiose sense of self: Marriage is YOUR right, NOT mine. The rights of marriage and job security and health and parenting… all of those are your rights, not GAY rights. Since when do GAY people deserve MY human and citizenship rights, you seem to think.

Pathological lying: Sad, but true. Telling people that gay marriage is against God’s will, the Bible, un-American, etc. Misinforming people by scaring them into thinking gay people are monster, who, given any additional rights, will take over the world and convert it to some dark and scary unsafe corrupt place. Let’s face it, you like it’s your job. You lie so well you may not even know you’re doing it! Even a lie detector might not be able to pick it up because you believe so thoroughly that your absurd and false creations are actually true.

Lack of remorse, shame or guilt: And in this case, all three! You hurt people. Not only do you not care at all that you hurt people, but you’re proud of it. It’s your mission. You’re not sorry, you’re not ashamed, and you’re certainly not guilty. Anger is at your core, driving you against us, turning us into targets and opportunities. You justify the means and run us and anything else in your way over like a tractor trailer whose brakes have failed going down a mountain.

Shallow emotions: You spend so much of your time fighting my access to my rights. My desire to put a ring on the finger of the love of my life is the worst thing you can apparently imagine. You wanting to destroy my life, on the other hand, is something so insignificant to you that it doesn’t even cross your mind. What if someone told you your child couldn’t get married? Or could get fired for who they chose to date? Or couldn’t visit the love of their life as they lay dying in a hospital bed?

Incapacity for love: Maybe you love someone, but it seems like you’re overwhelming capacity to hate all LGBTQQAI people has shoved the humanity right out of you.

Need for stimulation: You love yelling and wouldn’t mind smashing your fist into some unsuspecting gay person’s face to prove your point.

Callousness and lack of empathy: Well we’re just getting to the heart of it, now aren’t we? You CANNOT empathize with the pain you cause the LGBTQAAI community. In fact, us caring at all just makes you more upset, and you’ll kick us when we’re down.

Poor behavioral controls and impulsive nature: You’re entitled to whatever you want and will do whatever it takes to get it, regardless of what that does to the people left in your wake of destruction.

Early behavior problems and juvenile delinquency: Perhaps you’ve always been a bully.

Irresponsibility and unreliability: Could care less about destroying other people’s lives and dreams. Either you don’t know the pain you cause or it doesn’t matter at all to you.

Not concerned about wrecking others’ lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.

Promiscuous sexual behavior and infidelity: Corrective rape is often used to “fix” homosexuality.

Lack of realistic life plan or parasitic lifestyle: You promise to destroy all of our rights forever, but let’s be real; we’re not going to let that happen. You promise it nonetheless.

Criminal or entrepreneurial versatility: Change your own tune as needed to say whatever needs to be heard and be whatever the people need you to be to keep believing the charming con act.

Contemptuous of those who seek to understand them. Check. Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them. Check. Authoritarian. Check. Secretive. Check. Paranoid. BIG check. Only rarely in difficulty with the law, but seeks out situations where their tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned, or admired. Check. Conventional appearance. Check. Exercises despotic control over every aspect of the victim’s life. Check. Has an emotional need to justify their crimes and therefore needs their victim’s affirmation (respect, gratitude and love). Check.

Do you get my point here?

Now, do I really think that all homophobes are sociopaths? No.

Do you really think that all LGBTQQAI people are dangerous and undeserving of the rights they ought to have as citizens and humans? I certainly hope not.

Nonetheless, your words and actions say otherwise. So unless you mean to destroy our lives without a glimpse of empathy or regard for your actions, perhaps proving the sociopath exaggeration to be disastrously true, please revisit your attacks on us. Our marriages, children, jobs, health care, rights, have no bearing on your life, except to increase equality in this country, further ensuring that your rights can’t be taken away one day because someone else decides you’re unworthy.

I’m not committing you because of your sociopathic tendencies. Why are you working so hard to ensure my life is as difficult as possible?

Let us have what we deserve. Simple as that.

Love**,

Just one of the millions whose lives you work to control and destroy  

*The above traits are based on the psychopathy checklists of H. Cleckley and R. Hare and came from this site.

**Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.

— 2 years ago with 1 note
#lgbt  #lgbtq  #queer  #gay  #lesbian  #marriage  #rights  #gay rights  #human rights  #citizen  #usa  #america  #opinion  #homophobia  #belief  #religion  #politics  #activism 
"Our love is human. We are equal. We are no less. We are no less deserving. Equal rights for equal love for equal people; for us and for all humanity."
— 2 years ago
#lgbt  #gay  #lesbian  #lgbtq  #queer  #sexuality  #gender  #women  #equality  #all that i want  #equal  #second class  #second class citizens  #liberal